Listening may not be the most exciting part of a conversation, but it is necessary if you want to have a meaningful dialogue with your opponent.
In a situation where we feel that we are not being listened to or understood, we can begin to actively defend our point of view, correct the interlocutor, or simply distance ourselves. With any of these strategies, communication is unlikely to be comfortable.
Conversely, when we feel heard and understood, we can relax, open up, and trust the other person. It works both ways: When we act in a way that makes the other person feel heard, they are more likely to share information with us, and we are more likely to absorb it. The three principles of active listening can help you achieve this .
Show attention nonverbally
You can make it clear without words that you are fully focused on your opponent’s remarks in one of the following ways:
- Adopt an open posture. Try to be relaxed but attentive. For example, lean slightly toward the person you are talking to when they speak.
- Maintain eye contact. The main thing is not to overdo it, so that the conversation does not turn into a staring game.
- Use simple gestures. They should show that you are listening to the person and encourage them to continue talking. You can nod your head periodically or say “mmm” or “hm”.
- Be silent. Allowing someone to talk uninterrupted for even a few minutes is a generous gift that we rarely give to each other. This doesn’t mean you should remain silent for hours, but see how long you can simply listen to someone without interrupting. Active listening involves humility , as you focus on getting the gist of what the other person is saying, rather than saying everything that comes to mind. Your goal is to understand the other person and help them feel understood, so you should only say things that will bring you closer to that outcome.
Ask open-ended questions
While you’re listening to your opponent, you’ll probably have questions that you’ll need answers to. But if you start asking questions right away, it could interrupt the other person’s train of thought , shift their attention to your agenda, disrupt the emerging connection in the dialogue, or even derail the conversation.
To use questions effectively, there are a few rules to keep in mind:
- Always listen carefully and think before you ask questions. A strong foundation for any conversation is to first listen to what the other person has said and then let them know that you understand them. Otherwise, they may not want to answer your questions. While asking questions can be a great way to show interest, if you listen and think for a moment, your questions will sound like, “I’m interested in what you just said,” rather than, “I’m interested in what you have to say about something I want to hear.” It’s also important to think about when to ask questions. Don’t interrupt someone just for the sake of asking something.
- Ask questions that cannot be answered with a simple “yes” or “no.” To stimulate the development of a dialogue, it is best to use questions that suggest detailed answers. For example, instead of “Did you like the movie?” you can ask “What do you think this movie is about?” However, the questions should not be too complex. You should not try to show off your intellect or direct the train of thought of the interlocutor. A simple way to ask questions carefully is to repeat the key word from the opponent’s remark with a questioning intonation. For example, in response to the phrase “I found the movie too boring,” ask: “Boring?” This will allow the other person to explain their opinion in more detail.
- Maintain neutrality in both tone of voice and content of speech. Your judgments and assessments can be clearly seen in the way you speak. Asking “And you’re going there on vacation ?” is a more controversial option than asking “Why do you want to go on vacation there?”