Over time, relationships stop being as exciting as they were in the beginning. There is less sex, annoying habits of the partner come to the surface, and everyday life overshadows the romance. If you recognize your relationship in any of this, perhaps a crisis is knocking on your door.
What are the types of crises in relationships?
One year crisis
Sexologist Vanessa Marin claims that the first crisis in a relationship can appear after 6-12 months. Hormones subside, people get used to each other, and love no longer seems so strong. Sex educator Victoria Beltran adds that a couple can have sex less often . It is still an important part of intimacy, but if partners have no interest in each other in addition to physical attraction, difficulties can arise.
A year is the time when a couple evaluates the viability of the relationship and determines whether it has a future. By this point, the partners have seen both the positive and negative traits of each other. The lovers decide whether they will move forward together or separately.
The Three-Year Crisis
Anthropologist Helen Fisher writes in her book Why We Love that a turning point occurs in almost any relationship. And this usually happens in the third or fourth year. The passion fades, the partner’s habits, which at first seemed cute, begin to irritate. But it is at this stage that a strong emotional attachment is formed. If it is not there, the couple has problems and conflicts.
The Seven Year Crisis
The seven-year crisis was first discussed in 1955 after the release of the film The Seven Year Itch. In it, the main character sends his family on a summer vacation. Meanwhile, a new neighbor moves into his house, and the man decides to have an affair with her. Now the term “seven-year itch” is used to talk about the fading of romantic feelings between spouses.
Psychologist Teresa DiDonato explains the basic idea behind the “seven-year itch” this way: partners develop intense resentment toward each other after seven years together. Romantic relationships often fall below the top of the priority list because the couple has to juggle work, household chores, raising children, and other pressing responsibilities. Partners begin to rethink their relationship and their willingness to move on.
It is not entirely clear whether the seven-year crisis is real. A 2014 study on the seven-year crisis showed that the risk of divorce is lower in the first months of marriage, reaches a maximum after seven years of relationship, and then decreases. Some researchers believe that this pattern is the “seven-year itch.” Others think that scientists have not taken into account many nuances. For example, that the safety of a marriage may be affected not by the years spent together, but by children. A 2010 study proved that young women who do not have children are more likely to decide on divorce .
Teresa DiDonato also says that the seven-year limit is not very reasonable. A similar crisis can also occur in the fourth or fifth year. Rather, the point is that each couple lives out the “honeymoon” in their own way. The rose-colored glasses regarding long-term relationships and marriage disappear at different times for everyone.
Crisis 10 years
At this time, couples may face boredom in family life. Partners take each other for granted, and tolerance for bad habits and character traits disappears forever. You may be more irritated by trifles, quarrel more, and find compromises less often.
What are the signs of a relationship crisis?
Although the crises are separated by years, many of them have similar manifestations.
Sex life is fading
In the first years, sex simply becomes less or is no longer as bright and spontaneous. During the ten-year crisis, there may be no intimacy at all or it is very rare. Sex does not suddenly disappear, the couple just does it less and less often.
Everyday life eats away at romance
It is difficult to maintain a spark for a long time. Everyday life often gets in the way: children, work, caring for parents , meeting with friends and other things. The couple lacks resources for physical and emotional intimacy. Partners talk only about everyday matters. More often than not, they hear not compliments, but requests to call a plumber. All this has a negative effect on romance, it begins to be lacking in the relationship.
You feel like relationships are just getting in the way
In relationships, people often make compromises. They can interfere with important life goals: career, travel, hobbies. Family therapist Kari Carroll claims that some couples sacrifice their dreams to maintain stability in the relationship at the initial stage. But after years, they realize that they missed something important and get angry at their partner.
Tolerance towards each other is disappearing
In the early years of a relationship, people tend to forgive each other’s mistakes. But over time, couples become less and less patient and forgiving. Things they once laughed at become a reason for quarrels.
You don’t celebrate common holidays
In the beginning, couples often celebrate anniversaries and other important holidays together. But later, interest disappears, and partners take all significant dates for granted. This only worsens the routine and reduces motivation to maintain the relationship.
How to Deal with Relationship Crises
Talk to your partner
If you are at an impasse, try to explain yourself to each other. It is important to talk about your needs and feelings. Otherwise, the negativity will turn into a huge snowball and harm the relationship.
During conversations, psychologist Janet Brito recommends using “I-statements.” For example: “I feel like things aren’t going well between us. We’ve been going on dates a lot less often, and that’s bothering me. Let’s think about how to fix that.” This way, you’ll share your feelings and concerns without shifting all the responsibility to your partner. Don’t forget to listen to them, too. They may have something to say, too.
Take action, don’t ignore the problem
Over time, passion and attraction fade, and that’s normal. But it’s not a good idea to let things slide. Vanessa Marin explains : A varied and interesting sex life requires effort. Some people think that good sex should come naturally, but that’s not always the case.
Don’t be shy about flirting, complimenting each other , sharing sexual practices you’d like to try. Even if you know you love each other, your goal is to emphasize your connection with your partner, their desirability and attractiveness. Taking your lover for granted is not worth it – it won’t help you get out of the crisis. But dating and showing care will be beneficial.