Jealousy can act as a glue in a relationship to the right extent, but excessive need for control destroys every relationship. Psychologist, psychotherapist and non-fiction writer Katja Myllyviita advises you to stop and think about your own jealousy and where it comes from.
1. Jealousy is rooted in a familiar fear
“From the perspective of evolutionary psychology, jealousy is a typical emotion for all herd animals. It is based on the desire to belong to a group, because herd animals, to which humans can be considered to belong, cannot survive alone.”
Jealousy is activated when a person feels that they are in danger of losing an important social relationship. In general, the feeling of jealousy is stronger the more important the relationship is. Therefore, in a relationship, the feeling of jealousy is at its peak.
Jealousy is actually a bundle of different emotions. They make a person prepare and make sure. The bundle usually includes at least shame and fear. The fear of being alone is linked to the fear of death.
Therefore, jealousy can, at its worst, cause painful and destructive emotional reactions that can even erupt violently. Jealousy is the second most common motive for homicides in Finland. The most common cause is an argument involving alcohol consumption
2. There are three different forms of jealousy
“There are different types of jealousy. Worried jealousy involves a tendency to see horror scenarios. Clinging and assuring jealousy may involve asking your partner every day if they still love you. Suspicious jealousy involves nagging and nagging.
Behind all forms of jealousy is often an experience of insecurity. A person tries to draw security from another person – and it doesn’t seem to work. This experience of insecurity should be worked on in oneself in order to get rid of jealousy. The feeling of insecurity can be worked through on one’s own or together with a friend or a professional.
Our past experiences affect all our emotions. In an intense relationship, such as a romantic relationship, very early experiences of deprivation can surface. If you received very little parental attention as a child, it may be difficult to break away from a controlling relationship as an adult, even if you were not able to do well in the relationship. Then the person gets something that they have always wanted but did not get as a child. This is one explanation for why it can be so difficult to leave abusive relationships.”
3. Recognize and acknowledge latent jealousy
“It’s not always easy to recognize jealousy, because it can be disguised. If jealousy is perceived as too shameful or embarrassing, you may not want to admit it, even to yourself. Then jealousy may manifest itself, for example, in the way that your partner’s face starts to irritate you and you feel like changing to another room. Some react to jealousy by clinging, others by withdrawing.
It is usually best to look for answers to difficult feelings within yourself. Jealousy can arise without the other person giving you a reason to do so. On the other hand, it can also be that your partner is unreliable, which triggers the feeling.
Throwing yourself into a relationship inevitably means living in uncertainty. I have to accept that even today I don’t know what the other person is doing, thinking, or feeling.
We have learned the slogan well that everyone is responsible for their own feelings. I would add that everyone is also responsible for treating others well. Sometimes your own feelings can be reactions to what is happening in a relationship. It is always good to stop when you feel jealous and think about where it comes from.”
4. Talk about your jealousy, don’t withdraw
“Jealousy is often experienced as an awkward and shameful feeling. However, it can also be viewed from another angle. Jealousy tells you: you are important to me. If the other person does not arouse feelings, there is no reason to be jealous either.
Jealousy and passion are often thought to go hand in hand. A spouse can even be hurt if the other person doesn’t feel jealous at all. Then they may feel like they’re not important to their partner. The right amount of jealousy can act as the glue in a relationship. At its worst, jealousy can destroy the entire relationship with its desire for control.
I encourage people to talk about jealousy in all relationships rather than withdrawing into their shell. If you dare to express your feelings of jealousy, for example to a friend, the reception can be very positive. Who wouldn’t be taken by the fact that the other person likes you and wants to spend more time together? I want to encourage people to express their own neediness.”
5. Let go of control
“I have felt jealousy and been the object of it. Jealousy has taken me on an interesting journey of self-discovery. It is amazing and fascinating how different sides of me have come to the fore in different relationships. In one relationship there has been no jealousy at all, and in the next it may have been a strong mutual feeling. Each of us comes to the fore in different relationships.
The most important and hardest lesson for me has been letting go of control. It means humbling yourself in front of someone else, which is the opposite of controlling. Instead of trying to limit your partner, you can say to them, “You have your freedom, but I miss you very much.” Loosening the rope is difficult, but effective.
“Younger people tend to struggle with jealousy more than older ones. The reasons are partly hormonal. Younger people generally feel emotions more strongly. However, increasing age and self-awareness helps people face their feelings more serenely. It is comforting that the most difficult peaks of jealousy usually level out with age.”
Psychologist, psychotherapist and non-fiction writer Katja Myllyviita has written the book Mustasukkaisuus (Duodecim 2023). She has become familiar with the feeling herself.