Cheating is always a huge shock, because no one usually enters into a relationship with the idea that the person they love will ever be unfaithful to you. But betrayal, nevertheless, happens, even if before that you swore to each other hundreds of times that you would never, ever…
By cheating, the person, one way or another, violated the trust that had managed to arise between you, broke emotional ties, undermined your self-confidence, and inflicted a mental wound on you that is not so easy to heal. If you don’t fully work through the feelings you are experiencing now, if you sweep everything under the rug, then you will allow this betrayal to ruin your future relationship. And the one who cheated will receive such power over you that he does not deserve.
So take the time and put in the effort to complete the following 10 steps:
1. Welcome to reality! Recognize and accept the fact that you have been cheated on
Realize the full consequences of the blow you received. Throw away all those idealistic ideas about a traitor that you had before. Now you clearly see who he or she really is, and this picture does not make you happy.
2. Allow yourself to grieve for everything you lost due to betrayal – for mutual trust, for a person whom, as it turned out, you did not know, for your relationship with him
Allow yourself to fully experience the full range of emotions – sadness, regret, resentment, rage, anger, jealousy, and so on and so forth. Your task is to live them all, sob, scream, let them out of you to the end. Then you will certainly experience relief.
3. Take care of yourself
Try to eat and sleep well, stay physically active, don’t withdraw into your personal “cave” and don’t drown your sorrows in chocolate cream. You should have a “support group” – close people whom you can trust, who can listen to you, express their comments, support, help you figure out what happened, and prevent you from making a mistake – throwing yourself into the arms of a traitor again, because how it seems to you in moments of weakness and despair that, in spite of everything, he is so cool.
The support group can include friends, relatives, your psychologist or psychotherapist, and plush toys in your bed, where would you be without them.
4. Forgive yourself for cheating on you.
Very often, the one who cheated tries to evade responsibility and shift the blame for what happened to the second partner, that is, to the one who was cheated on.
Remember that you do not deserve to be cheated on, you deserve a normal, trusting relationship, and your behavior in no way could push your partner to infidelity. All the unsightly things that happened and are happening now speak only about him, not about you.
5. Stay away from the cheater
Guess what happens if you stay in a relationship with someone who cheated on you? Yes, history may repeat itself. Moreover, allowing a cheater to influence your psychological recovery after his betrayal is the same as inviting the accused’s lawyer to participate in jury deliberations. Therefore, keep your distance, at least for the period until you come to your senses.
6. Don’t consider yourself a victim.
Instead, think about what you could do to prevent this situation from happening again. Yes, the traitor has crossed all boundaries. But what allowed him to approach these boundaries? Think about what red flags you may have missed, and think about what you could have done if you had noticed them.
Cheating may be a sign that you haven’t been assertive enough in getting what you need and deserve from the relationship.
7. Work on restoring your ability to trust other people.
Think of cheating like a solar eclipse – something that dims the light, but which happens very rarely. A cheater isn’t everyone, it’s just someone who doesn’t deserve your trust.
May your heart always be open to other people and emerging opportunities.
8. Don’t look for opportunities to take revenge.
Revenge is a dish best not served at all. Hurting a cheater won’t make you feel better. Perhaps he or she has not yet realized what they have lost by losing you and your trust.
9. Forgive the traitor
Look at him or her – he is just a very weak, imperfect person who did not cope with the situation and did not find the strength to do the right thing. Don’t hold your heart hostage to frustration, bitterness and resentment.
10. Determine the place of the traitor in your life
Forgiveness does not mean forgetting what happened and pretending that nothing happened. Perhaps you should remove this person from your life altogether.
If for some reason it seems to you that the relationship with him can be continued, then you need to raise the bar very high: if the traitor wants to be with you, he must fully realize what he did wrong, ask for forgiveness, one way or another to atone for his guilt, and then follow the clearly stated basic rules of behavior that you provide him.
In short, give yourself time to process everything, learn life lessons, heal your soul and become stronger as a result. In the end, the betrayer (and maybe the traitor) should remain where they belong – in the past.
