The sex life of parents can become even better than before the appearance of offspring.As ironic as it may sound, the very act that leads to the birth of a child often becomes a real problem after its birth.At first, you’re too tired and sleep-deprived to even think about sex, and then you get caught up in the daily grind and sex feels like just another line on an endless list of to-dos and responsibilities.
And finally, just when you think your kids are growing up, no longer coming into your bed in the middle of the night, and you have time and energy for each other, tadaam – your kids are entering adolescence in all its glory, and indulging in passion in the same apartment with them becomes somehow awkward.
But Karen Garney, a clinical psychologist and sexologist with 20 years of experience and the best-selling author of How to Stop Kids from Ruining Your Sex Life, swears that your sex life can not only survive having kids, it may well be even better than it was before you had kids.
Of course, now you won’t be able to have sex whenever you want, as before, but the pleasure from this will not decrease.
Here are some recommendations from Garni on this matter:
Frequency is not the most important thing. When you want more sex in your life, it is often not really about sex itself, but about what goes along with it. You want to feel wanted, special, and, ultimately, like real people, not baby-making machines. Believe me, when these psychological needs are met, the amount of sex in your life will increase on its own.
It’s better to have sex once a year, but in a way that takes you into space and makes you fall in love again, than once a week, but without any pleasure or emotional connection.
2. Passionate kisses by the fridge while unpacking? Yes!
It is very important to maintain a high level of erotic tension between you, so that “sparks” fly from one look or touch. Gently caressing each other as you pass each other in the kitchen, passionately kissing in the morning when your husband leaves for work, simply lying naked in bed together without having sex – all this is “sexual currency” that you had a lot of at the beginning of your relationship, but which tends to gradually disappear during your life together.
Some couples manage to spend less, regardless of how often they have sex. These are the ones who kiss passionately by the refrigerator while unpacking their groceries.
Others who have not retained their “sexual currency” find it difficult to perceive their relationships as sexual at all. Compliments, touches, and inviting glances are completely absent from their daily life together, so even if one of them tries something like that, the other feels strange and awkward, or does not understand what it was at all.
This arrangement essentially means that you live together not as sexual partners, but as roommates.
If this is you, try experimenting. Start with the lips – kiss each time one of you leaves the house and the other stays, and try to make it not just a passing, short kiss, but a full, long kiss. Do this for a month and see what has changed.
You can also add flirting to kissing, complimenting each other’s appearance, exchanging intimate messages, sexual touching when you sit together on the couch in front of the TV – in a word, anything to increase the degree of erotic tension between you.
3. Discuss sex, even though it is very difficult
Talking openly about what you like and don’t like about sex, sharing your intimate fantasies, preferences and secret desires – sounds simple, but for most people, even the most straightforward and self-confident, such frank conversations cause painful embarrassment.
It’s especially hard to talk about sex if you grew up in a family where sexual relations were not discussed, where this area of life was considered shameful and taboo.
To begin with, think about how you communicate with each other on any other topic. Do you hear each other? Do you take each other seriously? Maybe one of you is used to constantly making fun of the other, and the other finds it unpleasant? How ready are you to have deep, difficult conversations with each other?
Take five to ten minutes each day to sit down and listen carefully, without distraction, to each other’s stories about how your day went, the good and the bad, what you think about it, and how you feel. Rebuilding emotional intimacy is the most important foundation for rebuilding sexual intimacy.
These deep, if brief, conversations are worth weeks of the usual empty, superficial chatter about what’s for dinner and how the kids behaved today.
4. How to say no if you’re not in the mood for sex?
Sexual attraction is not something constant, it ebbs and flows, and this is completely normal. If for any reason you do not want to indulge in love here and now, let your other half understand this, but do it as gently and affectionately as possible, and then your relationship will not suffer.
For example: “I would really like to, and you are so sexy, but I really need to finish this work, let’s do it later,” and not “You are some kind of sex maniac, leave me alone, you are already annoying me!”
5. Divide household chores equally
When a woman takes care of children, cleans, cooks, does laundry, in a word, everything possible, on herself, fatigue, resentment, irritation all accumulate and accumulate. In such a situation, it is difficult to expect that she will want to include sex with the one who left her alone with a mountain of problems in her endless list of responsibilities. Sharing the load equally is a very practical and effective way to improve your sex life.
6. Make sex a buffet, not three meals a day
Treating sex like a buffet means you can do whatever you want, in any order. You don’t have to follow the same pattern every time, “eat” the same thing, and end up with the same “dish.” Just imagine how many new, delicious experiences you can have!
You can just kiss all night, or caress each other without penetration, do everything very slowly, or passionately, or frantically, or sensually, or all together – there are no rigid scenarios, complete freedom, the main thing is that you both feel good.
7. What to do if there are teenagers at home
When your kids were little, you at least knew you’d have a few hours together in the evening after they went to sleep. Sadly, teenagers go to bed at the same time as you, at best, and often even later. Having an awake teenager in the next room isn’t exactly conducive to sexual liberation.
In this situation, you can try to postpone sex until the morning if possible, but on the other hand, you can’t let teenagers deprive you of the “sexual currency” of your relationship. It’s perfectly acceptable to let older children know that you love each other and that there is a sexual connection between you. This will teach them valuable life lessons, including the fact that everyone, including their own parents, has a right to privacy.
Besides, sex is a natural, normal part of life, not something shameful that needs to be done furtively and kept secret.
Yes, your kids may think you are too old for sex, but you can show them that even decrepit wrecks like you are still kick-ass and can still enjoy intimate interactions with each other. The message you send them will be very helpful to them in their future lives.
8. Make sure you both enjoy sex
We all grew up in a patriarchal society where the culmination of sexual intercourse is penetration and male orgasm. But for most women, that’s not enough. Keep in mind: if one of you sacrifices himself and the goal of his sex life is to please the other, soon he, or rather she, will not want any sex at all. Especially since there’s already a lot to do.