GUILT FEELINGS. 6 RULES TO GET RID OF IT

Guilt comes from betraying our internal codes of conduct. Much of these codes of conduct are usually learned and absorbed in our childhood.

Feeling guilty can be very painful.
It is a bit like feeling persecuted by a part of oneself that is somewhat tyrannical, a part that feels compelled to intervene for the slightest alleged infringement of a rule, and one feels obsessed even when nothing has been done that can normally be considered reprehensible.

As a therapist, I see a lot of people who feel guilty for making mistakes or even just making unseemly thoughts or impulses that, for sure, we have all had at least once in our life.
For example, if someone we love hurts or deceives us, it is understandable and human to have vengeful fantasies towards them. Yet, for some, it is totally unacceptable.

It is therefore essential to understand when the sense of guilt is based on data of reality and when it is more or less arbitrary and not rooted in reality and therefore represents a useless self-punishment. Of course, if we have hurt someone or failed to help someone in need when it would have been easy enough to do so, it is understandable to feel remorse.

Many authors stress the importance of distinguishing between a rational, or “profitable,” sense of guilt and a sense of guilt made primarily of self-criticism and, as such, punitive and often unjustified.
Such unjustified guilt is a source of unnecessary psychological suffering and self-loathing (sometimes, sufficiently ruthless and relentless to drive a person to suicide). And if it lasts long enough, this internal torment can lead to real health conditions like substance abuse, sexual disorders, and a wide variety of other self-sabotaging behaviors.

So, unless feelings of guilt are actually necessary for us to become aware of the responsibilities we have in relation to a wrongdoing, or to trigger the desire for positive change, such behavior does not really serve anyone, least of all to we.

What, then, needs to be done to stop this unjustified self-abuse? How can we really get rid of an emotion that risks keeping us constantly trapped?
Because, after all, feelings of guilt almost always tend to culminate in a painful and counterproductive rumination which, in turn, only accentuates the intensity of negative feelings and self-loathing.

Here are some helpful tips to reduce and hopefully eliminate guilt:

1) We tell ourselves that we did the best we could do , that whatever the error of judgment that prompted us to do something we regret it is likely that at that moment that was the best we could do. Maybe when we acted we were too angry, anxious, sad, distracted to be fully lucid. We must strive to accept the fact that, in some particular psychological or physical circumstances, we cannot give our best and this is absolutely normal.

Forgiveness always depends on full and compassionate self-understanding. So it is absolutely necessary to explore all the variables involved in our error to try to re-evaluate ourselves less negatively.

2) It is necessary to consider that, at the time of our misconduct, we did not know what we later understood. It is cruel to be angry with ourselves for making a mistake that we would not have made if only we had all the information and knowledge that we did not have at the time of the mistake. In other words, with “hindsight” many mistakes would be avoided, this is true. But alas, hindsight doesn’t exist in reality.

3) We are not responsible for the lives of others. Let’s take an example, we feel guilty because a dear friend feels down and asked us to visit him and we refused because of a commitment made previously and difficult to cancel. The next day we discover that our friend got drunk and got into his car causing an accident.
It is normal to feel guilty and blame yourself for not being around him and it is certainly difficult to dismiss the thought that if we had been at his house we could have prevented an accident.
In this way, however, we are not fully realistic and we do not realize that we have totally adopted a perspective in which we are responsible for the behavior of others. Feeling responsible for someone else’s life and what they do is certainly not realistic and does not help us to calm down and give the right weight to things.

4) Let’s not feel guilty because we survived a dramatic event while others didn’t . The “survivor’s” guilt is a well known and much studied state of mind and we all tend to experience it when someone close to us does not survive a tragedy while we do (earthquakes, road accidents, etc.).
In these situations it is really important to reflect on the fact that it is largely the case that decides who should lose their life in a tragedy and we have no responsibility for being survivors. We allow ourselves to focus on feelings of grief for loss and gratitude that we are alive.
Do we tend to blame ourselves for mistakes that all people normally make? If so, we need to stop being so hard on ourselves. Some may fear that being more lenient with themselves can make more mistakes. In reality this does not happen. In fact, the exact opposite can happen. Being less anxious about the possibility of making mistakes leaves us more resources and more energy to focus on the things to do and the result and to do better.

5) We attribute only our responsibilities to ourselves. Let’s take an example, we happen to have a car accident. Let us ask ourselves: “Could I really have prevented it?”. An accident is certainly something that doesn’t happen on purpose. Let’s try to reflect on the real causes of the accident and give each of these variables the right weight. Road conditions, poor lighting, driver error of the other car involved and maybe even our tiredness could be involved. It is difficult not to blame but being solely responsible for adverse events is really unrealistic.

6) Let us ask ourselves if our standards of behavior are adequate or are they too high. We may find that our family of origin has encouraged us to adopt these unrealistic and disrespectful standards of who we are and the human limitations that, like everyone, we too have.

The obsessive pursuit of perfection is a condition that predisposes us to have a low regard and esteem for ourselves and sometimes to get depressed. If the acceptance of ourselves, as we are, which is hoped to be unconditional, is almost absent whenever we feel we are making a mistake or something goes wrong then we should ask for help.

The risk is to remain enslaved for a long time to mental patterns and vicious circles that prevent us from living peacefully and leaving behind sadness, shame and guilt.

by Abdullah Sam
I’m a teacher, researcher and writer. I write about study subjects to improve the learning of college and university students. I write top Quality study notes Mostly, Tech, Games, Education, And Solutions/Tips and Tricks. I am a person who helps students to acquire knowledge, competence or virtue.

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