In these hard times and more so in these days so important, many people ask how a loss should be dealt with properly. And I’m sorry, but there is no correct answer. It is the process of adapting to a new life without the presence of the person who has left. And despite the fact that psychology manuals set guidelines to differentiate when grief is flowing normally and when it is considered pathological , honestly, there are no universal rules for proper management. Because each loss and each grief are unique , personal. It depends on many variables. How the loss occurred, the bond we had with the person, what we hadpending with that person, your own previous experience with the loss, the emotional moment in which you find yourself, your resilience and emotional strength … That is why it is impossible to predict how each one will live their grief or give guidelines of the stages that we have to go through and compare ourselves if we are living it like this or not.
The death and fate , since its uncontrollable and almost never predictable side, they have their capricious point. And suddenly one is naked before that reality, without wanting to accept it. Not wanting to make an effort to understand it. The death of a loved one is a moment of sadness , desolation , of a final goodbye . Because only then are we aware of what “forever” or “never again” means . Death revalues life. Makes sense of it. Not only to life, it gives meaning and value to relationships, to ties, to details, to experiences, to what we thought was normal and suddenly you stop having it.
Losing a loved one does not mean losing the bond with the person. When emotionally we find the right moment, we can continue to maintain a special relationship with that person. Each one chooses how the person remains linked. We can even, if one decides, not have any kind of relationship.
November is the month for those who are gone . Or if they are, but only in our memories. But to be able to coexist serenely with your memories, sometimes you go through moments of denial , anger , sadness , until you run into acceptance and come back to life.
If you identify with any of these emotions and want to help yourself feel better, you can start with …
- Accept your emotion, rather than the loss, the emotion. Don’t try to force what you don’t feel. Don’t be strong. If you feel like crying, cry. If you don’t feel like going out, don’t go out. If you want to talk about it, speak up. Let your emotions flow. Sometimes we hide them so that others do not see us suffer, because we believe that we do not deserve to have that moment of grief with everything that other people suffer, and we deny the feeling. But the feeling is there, and even if you repress it, it will not go away.
- Share with others how you feel. You don’t have to bear your grief alone. Talking does not bring you back, but it is very comforting to have the support of others. Call your people “warm.” Not all friends or family know how to listen as well or give comfort that comforts. We have around people with all kinds of virtues, some are born motivators and others know how to give words of encouragement. Count on them.
- Let yourself be hugged. A hug of more than 20 seconds releases oxytocin. It will make you feel good and loved. A hug protects you, pampers you, envelops you. Let yourself be loved these days.
- Talk to your loved one. Only when you can and are prepared. There are so many things that you would like to continue sharing, right? You cannot do it now with the person present, but you can establish a relationship in your imagination. Regaining the relationship with the person who has left is not a fantasy. It is a way to maintain that bond. At the beginning of the loss this seems impossible. Not because we can’t talk to someone who’s not around, but because we don’t feel like a type of relationship that is nothing like the relationship we used to enjoy. It’s like having something decaf. But as you begin to recover, talking to the person symbolically, listening to the proposals that they would make to you if they were in my life, telling them your things, can be very enriching. You know the person so much that you are sure to be able to visualize what they would answer and what their facial expression would be. Talking alone is not crazy. On the contrary, it is very rewarding. And, after all, you are not speaking alone. You are relating to the person you love. After a year or so I have managed to do it with my grandmother. I have placed a tiny photo of her in the kitchen and I look at her every day with love and talk to her while I cook.
- Learn to live without what the person represented in your life. Many times the loss of a family member with whom we lived does not only mean the loss of the person. Also of the routine of the activities that the person carried out. Besides sharing love, we shared life. Taking care of everything that the other person was doing and that you need to continue doing, can cause blockage. You have to learn to make decisions or solve these activities on your own: cooking, managing the family finances, organizing trips … Ask for help, but as soon as you can, try to have the initiative.
- Normalize life. Although it now seems impossible for one to resume activities that were previously done as a couple or with family or friends who have left, returning to what made you feel good with them can be a sign of respect for the person who has left. left. Surely they would be wishing that you continued enjoying what you shared in common.
- Let it flow. It means printing the rhythm that you decide on each of these steps. We each have a rhythm. Forcing it doesn’t make sense. Let the pain, the pain, the desire to resume activities flow. The people around you want you to be well. That is why they usually try to force situations or activities for which you consider that it is not the time. Ask for time.
The best way to have a “beautiful duel” is that nothing remains in your life in the inkwell. Treat your loved ones today as if you will not see them again tomorrow . Because it can be so. What you did not say yesterday, you can no longer say today. The loving comment that you left unsaid was left in a vacuum, the hug, holding hands, the laughter, the shared humor, the complicity of an experience, the memory of so many moments together. How many things do we keep, we dose without realizing that life has no other chance!