Despite all the achievements of civilization – advanced medicine, accessible psychological help, economic development – there is still a lot of pain and suffering in the world. Every specialist and every ordinary person tries to bring good, as he understands it, but sometimes this leads to the opposite result: resentment, anger, disappointment. Psychologist Maxim Kovalenko tells us what rules will help to avoid negative consequences and increase positive ones
This rule seems simple and self-evident. And it is. The more we increase the light around us, the happier we are. Many psychologists agree that no matter what a person does, there will be goodness in the depth of his motives. For example, someone was rude to us at the bus stop – most likely, he wanted to relieve his tension and feel comfortable at least for a while. The older sister hit her brother – her motives may be to restore justice, because before that he pushed her in the back. In turn, the brother did this to get her attention.
We do not claim that such behavior is correct, we only want to emphasize that man by nature strives for good, but in this striving sometimes commits acts that ultimately harm everyone. And yet this does not mean that doing good is not necessary. It is necessary to do good, but taking into account certain principles.
RULE #2: “GIVE FROM ABUNDANCE”
Sometimes you want to give away your last shirt, to improve the life of another person at the cost of your well-being, but as a rule, such impulses do not lead to anything good. Firstly, by completely squandering your resources, even for a good cause, we deprive ourselves of the opportunity to accumulate more of them and be more useful to others. If a psychologist does not allocate time for rest, nutrition, care of his body, but only works with those in need, and even for free, then not only will it not last long, but there is no sense to expect from such a specialist.
Secondly, if a person constantly neglects his own needs for the sake of the needs of others, he begins to be filled with anger at both himself and those who have been benefited. As a rule, such “saviors” are constantly offended by the next person who did not respond with gratitude. Therefore, the airplane safety rule “put the mask on yourself first” also applies to everyday life.
RULE #3: “SUPPORT OUT OF GOOD WILL”
We may not realize it, but we do many things out of guilt, fear, envy, confusion. For example, a person with a guilt complex will try to “buy himself an indulgence” through donations, and out of fear of loneliness will invest money in a friend’s obviously failing business. What is negative about this?
Firstly, these actions do not help to relieve internal pain in the long term. Secondly, such a person is gladly used by manipulators and scammers, exploiting his negative self-image. Thirdly, no matter what we do from negativity, in the end we share negativity. Helping out of anxiety, guilt or confusion means spreading them, covering them with a mask of nobility. Another thing is if we are overwhelmed with joy and gratitude and we want to share them with others, including by putting them in material form.
RULE NO. 4: “DO NO HARM”
If my help is potentially dangerous to a person, it is my duty not to provide it. For example, there are frequent cases when relatives give money to alcohol- or drug-addicted loved ones and thereby participate in the destruction of their lives. Or we are capable, in a fit of friendly feelings, of sending a psychologically unstable friend due to a divorce on a date with an acquaintance. As a result, due to internal tension, neither she nor the acquaintance will get pleasure. In addition, after an unsuccessful date, the friend may come to the conclusion that the relationship is not for her at all.
RULE #5: “HELP MUST BE REQUESTED.”
Unless we are talking about an unconscious or emotionally disturbed person or a small child, we do not have the right to invade someone’s space and impose order without permission. In cases where it seems to us that a person is suffering and we have the opportunity to help, it is better to ask if he needs our participation, but at the same time not to be too persistent. In psychology, there is a strict ethical rule of voluntariness. It states that a specialist does not have the right to use his knowledge and skills without a personal request. Otherwise, there is a huge chance of harming both the person and himself.
Of course, there are exceptions to every rule. However, it can sometimes be useful to check your intentions against the above principles before taking action. This will help reduce the risk of such consequences as ingratitude, anger, disappointment, and resentment.