Why does your child sometimes not listen while other times they collaborate and accept your rules?
Why, despite all your efforts, do you struggle to make yourself heard and rebels ?
To read this article you need a good dose of open-mindedness and the suspension of your judgment for a few minutes!
In fact, you are about to discover:
1️⃣ Because children and young people respond badly to their parents, they do not listen , they do not accept the no and they reject the rules .
2️⃣ We will deepen what are our attitudes that involuntarily do not respect the “Instruction Booklet” and that could cause rebellion, “tantrums” and quarrels.
3️⃣ The 5 golden principles that can help your child to respect the rules, achieving more collaboration and harmony in the family.
Let’s begin!
“Be a good boy! Behave yourself!”
- “Let’s hope he’s polite”
- “No, look, I don’t like you like this” “If you eat everything I’ll give you the candy”
- “Only 5 more minutes …” “Listen to me!” “Come here now!”
- “You have to brush your teeth …” “I told you no!”
- “This is not done!” “You don’t have to go there!”
- “Thank you and ask please”
Do these phrases sound familiar to you?
Who knows how many times you have heard them on the street, in a friend’s house or you are realizing while reading that sometimes they are also part of your language and the relationship you have with your children.
Why do we hear too little often or say too little instead of phrases like these?
1️⃣ “Have fun!”
2️⃣ “Are you happy?”
3️⃣ “How do you feel?”
4️⃣ “We hope he can be himself and we hope we can help him in this”
5️⃣ “We hope that he learns to listen to himself and we hope that we will always be able to hear his needs”
6️⃣ “Don’t you want to finish what’s on your plate anymore? Why do you think? “
7️⃣ “What happened, love?”
In addition, if children had a developed rational capacity and excellent language property, they would probably tell us (and often do):
- “Mom, stop screaming!”
- “Why are you scolding me? I have not done it on purpose. If I had known, I would have avoided getting into trouble myself “
- “Why are you accusing me? I did it because I felt in danger, because I needed to let off steam “
- “Dad, can you talk to me more calmly?”
- “Why can’t you really be with me? Why do you always think about something else? “
- “But who is this here that you so much want me to look like every time you tell me that what I do or what I say or what I express is not okay?”
Why do we adults recite the lines you read a while ago, even if these ultimately could make the relationship with the children worse ?
Especially considering the fact that they are also a huge source of stress for both children and parents: the relationship stiffens, trust fails, your child does not listen to you and tensions increase.
Despite this, we do it anyway, because it is what we have learned and absorbed from the environment directly (experts, magazines, TV, books, etc.) or indirectly (as an unconditional reflection of our parents’ education).
Beyond that, there are three deep reasons why we do this.
If we observe each other, you want it or you don’t want, they come out.
Why doesn’t my child listen?
Let’s now see the 3 reasons that lead parents to impose the rules:
? We want to teach our children the rules to be in the world and we believe that this is the right way (or rather, it is often the only one we know) to raise them.
? We want others to think well of us and have children who do well in school, who are dolls who are where you put them, who always say thank you, please and please so that people think well of us, are extra guarantees for them to do so.
Sometimes we use our children and their accomplishments to please us, gratify us, and to tell us that at least we have done something good.
? We want to have as few problems as possible to manage . Since we sometimes have serious difficulties in dealing with the unexpected, problems are not challenges but boulders that stress us. We are afraid of making mistakes, we feel inadequate and we perpetually dream of that eldorado of happiness and effortlessness where everything is perfect.
If they had let us live in childhood we would not go looking for it now in such a compulsive way. Indeed, it probably would never stop being part of our inner world, regardless of external events.
In order not to hear all this, we hope that as few unexpected events as possible come to dot our days.
Let’s deepen these last three points. We never ask ourselves, but we believe that at least once in our life we can ask ourselves these questions:
Why do we want children to learn “the rules”?
What rules and according to whom? Could they perhaps do without it?
In truth we want children to learn rules because we believe that this is the only way to be able to obtain adequate behavior from them, especially for when they are adults and will have to deal with the outside world and with other individuals.
We fear that they may not have learned all the strategies that will allow them to survive in this world that we often consider dangerous, unfair and difficult.
We perceive the outside and life as battlegrounds and in addition they make us believe that, unless it is a fluke, we are too weak to face it, so we better resign ourselves.
Other times, however, again for conditioning, we believe that homologation is the easiest way. So we believe that the rules can accustom the child to become that being tepid, insipid and that really “where you put him is”, thus hoping that he has as few problems as possible.
Because, as we know, rebellion can be uncomfortable and cause many problems.
It is a pity that we often confuse the child’s ” whim ” or a boy’s rebellion with his attempt to be himself at the expense of standardization.
Children who rebel against their parents: because if you try to standardize them you get rebellion and loss of trust
All children and young people know they were born to be themselves, to know each other and to show their talents.
If we try in every way to homologate them with anger, hardness and icy looks to a pattern or to a “it has always been done this way” we will probably get two things.
Consequence n ° 1: the rebellion
Children and young people continue to make sometimes rebellious attempts to try to tell us that:
1️⃣ they would need our different attitude
2️⃣ they want to be homologated to our beliefs but they want to be supported so that they can be themselves.
Consequence n ° 2: the loss of trust
If we try to homologate it to a pre-printed product that we have in our head simply because we believe it is right or because we also adapt to external or previous models, he perceives that he is not valid, that he is not what you want from him.
Since the second fundamental thing every child wants is to be loved unconditionally by mom and dad, he puts himself under his shoes in favor of your love for him.
By doing this, he gives up knowing himself and manifesting himself (which will lead him to be unhappy, disheartened and angry) and loses trust and esteem in mom and dad because they should protect and support him in his intent and they are not doing it.
Indeed, they judge him, they want him equal to something that he is not.
We live imbued with a culture that still carries with it the legacy of a regime system where the same rules applied in a barracks were believed to be also suitable for the family environment:
with hardship and force, strong men, submissive women, power, fame and glory could be obtained.
Alas, such a design, just as it does not lead to an improvement in the world, it does not lead to anything even in the inner world of your child.
Because of this model we believe that children are empty vessels to be filled with ways of doing things, with rules, with good behaviors. We believe that rewards and punishments serve to straighten them out, that compliments cheer them up and strengthen their spirits. We are convinced that restrictions are the only tool we have to make them understand who is in charge and why, perhaps, through suffering they will learn their lesson.
Children and young people do not want to belong to models but they want to be themselves, respecting the natural principles of life and sharing that belong to man and other living species.
If they do not respect us and our model, for which they appear to us as transgressors, could it be that what we propose is not in their natural strings?
Could it be that they make all possible attempts, with verbal and non-verbal language and with the tools they have at their disposal to make us understand it and to give us the possibility of being different and closer to our nature as parents?
The family and all the environments in which a child grows up must not be militaristic or even democratic environments (this too is very fashionable today…).
The environment in which the child expresses himself is simply “natural”:
to be effective in the short and long term it must be able to respect the principles of their Instruction Booklet that make the child grow effortlessly and feel loved and that we too educate him without effort, with joy and gratitude.
The growth of the child and the harmony of the relationship with their parents should occur naturally and without effort. Everyone knows their role, knows what to do, when to do it and how to do it, without having to resort to ploys, manipulations, judgments, prizes, punishments, blackmails, love trading (“if you do that, I don’t love you anymore”).
Too often we confuse these methods with “Education”.
These methods are part of education, that is, an attempt to insert within the child codes, schemes, rules, morals of right and wrong.
To educate, on the other hand, is to bring out what the child already has naturally within himself and without effort .
Do you know why we say ” effortless “?
Because if we begin to observe the child with patience, we realize that it is he with his transparency, his innocence and his awareness that makes us understand what he needs to become a happy adult.
We adults have lost the habit of really being with children, hearing them, looking them in the eye and observing them.
Their perfection, their clarity and their coherence displace us, sometimes they put us in difficulty and therefore we prefer to postpone or stay on the surface.
Even if we begin to observe them, we still have to deal with these “blessed” conditionings that we now use automatically.
He does not respect authority, he answers badly, he does not accept my no: the 5 false myths revealed
Speaking of rules and conditioning, now we see what unfortunately strengthens a militaristic and standardizing educational method, rather than favoring the free expression of children and young people and their manifestation.
1st False myth about rules and children who don’t listen: positive reinforcement
Educating with Positive Reinforcement: When a child feels praised and gratified for what they are doing, they start to believe in themselves more.
Reflection
Positive reinforcement has the same value as punishment, criticism and judgment.
It is on the opposite side, but it is on the same level.
In fact, we can all agree that scolding and punishing children is not effective, but we do not wonder what happens in the child in the face of positive reinforcement and praise.
Your child must feel loved for who he is , whatever he does or says . If what we don’t like is the child’s problem or ours? Our.
There are mono-strenuous and more effective ways than praising or criticizing because we hope you learn good manners or because the next time you will avoid a bad behavior that we have criticized or will repeat a behavior that we consider correct and that we have praised.
Positively reinforcing a behavior means making it understand (even if our intentions are different, this is what we transmit to it) that we like it this way, if it behaves differently we don’t, that we prefer it and love it more.
A descending spiral mechanism is triggered whereby the child and the boy remain in constant tension to control their instincts and their attitudes because, if they follow their motivations and their instincts, the love of mom and dad could decrease.
It is necessary to learn to trust children more because they are not prototypes to be molded, they are not CDs to be burned, they are children, they are youngsters.
In some ways we are much more mammals than we think. As a lioness mother she does not need to teach, explain, direct, praise, punish her cubs so that they learn to follow her while avoiding dangers, to become autonomous, to hunt, so we could just set a good example and let the child imitate him. and absorb it.
2 ° False myth about rules and children who do not listen: vices …
Unlike my mother, she, my grandmother, didn’t have to take care of my education but just had to spoil me.
Reflection
Listening to this sentence, I asked myself: why should educating, cuddling and giving abundance be seen as incompatible? Why do we see pampering and abundance as a vice and as a concession?
Why does education have to involve restrictions and sacrifices for the child?
If we really want to move towards an educational style that respects your child we must let go of all these ways of thinking and move away from the belief that it is harmful to give the child a sense of abundance (and we do not mean by filling the bedroom with toys …).
Education is learned by imitating and not by imposing or restricting, therefore, we might as well be “abundant” in pampering, attention and details.
In this way, we not only satisfy the needs of the child, but also give him a sense of abundance that will accompany him throughout his life and that will prevent him from feeling empty, disheartened, lacking in resources and on an uphill path where life is. unfair and there is always someone ready to disappoint or cheat us.
Life is not like that. This is the educational scheme that we have absorbed and immediately and which we unconsciously overturn on our adult life.
A child raised in the abundance of love and in the satisfaction of all his emotional needs grows up with far fewer limits to hinder his fulfillment.
3rd False myth about rules and children who do not listen: you have to make them think …
From the first year, children need explanations to understand what should and should not be done.
Reflection
From the first year, children, unless they have to go to the trenches or to climb Kilimanjaro, need love, attention and pampering.
Children don’t need to understand rationally, they need to see , experience and imitate .
They are too young to be able to understand a rational discourse made up of pros and cons, of causes and consequences, of rights and duties, and above all of explanations.
How often do we think or say:
“Yet do you know how many times I told him?”
“I’ve already explained why!”
“But don’t you understand?”
Here’s your child’s point of view:
“Dear mum and dear dad, it would be easier for you, and I would like it more, if when I don’t want to do my homework or throw tantrums so as not to brush my teeth, first of all you would come close to me and remember that I have a why I do this. I don’t know how to explain it well and so I show it as I can ”.
“If you ask me calmly and gently why and you are willing to help me and solve my difficulty or my need, I am the happiest child in the world.
I stop being afraid and uncomfortable, I know that I can trust you and I know that it is enough for me to follow you.
In short, mom and dad, I know very well how they brush their teeth, it is since I was born that you take me with you and that I look at you, usually we always do it together!
And for homework, that you tell me to try hard, I need very little! I have a discomfort inside that I cannot overcome alone, otherwise it seems to you that I would waste all this time?
If I didn’t get bored and wanted to make them myself by now I would have finished them and would be out playing! “
4th False myth about rules and children who don’t listen: ignore him if he swears …
My son says bad words: if he doesn’t find alternatives to bad words, scold him and ignore him.
Reflection
Why does a child swear?
Perhaps he has heard them and simply repeats them because it works by imitation .
Or he knows that it is not done and he wants to attract our attention (he tried in a thousand other ways and “with good luck” but there was nothing to do).
Perhaps he feels weak or insecure : those who swear words seem stronger to him and therefore he does so too.
If we do not understand the motivation and we do not go to the bottom there is no use scolding or ignoring it.
In the first case, he will continue to do so because while scolding him at least we have begun to consider him.
In the second case also, because if he wants our attention he will increase the dose or look for other destructive attitudes to signal his presence and his need for attention.
5th False myth about rules and children who do not listen: disorder …
My son is messy, he doesn’t clean, he refuses to tidy up!
Reflection
If, on the other hand, you want your child to “learn” to clean because you are afraid that it will become dirty and messy, you can start immediately with another reason in your heart.
In fact, thanks to a good example and play you can make your child love all those experiences that are part of daily life: washing, setting the table, clearing the table, tidying up the room, etc.
The child learns by playing: first let yourself be imitated while doing things with joy (if you too live them as a burden, how do you think he will be able to live them?), Then do things together, playing!
For example, instead of having to clean the room you can go and rearrange the pirate boat with a lot of bandana on its head. Instead of having to set the table, you can prepare an excellent service for the princes and princesses who come to the palace for the party.
Or set up a banquet for samurai who return hungry from battle. This way all children have fun and learn.
Warning! If the adult does it with an ulterior motive and then manipulating (let’s pretend to play so I’ll take you where I want) it doesn’t work. It works if we sincerely believe that this is the most natural thing for the child and if we are having fun too.
To learn more about this topic you can read: Messy children: how to teach order with the weaning technique
How to teach the rules without yelling, scolding and without repeating things 100 times!
Even if your child rejects your rules and limits today, there are 5 golden principles that can help you achieve more cooperation and harmony in the family.
The same principles are also useful with oppositional and provocative children, children who do not respect authority or children deemed “difficult to manage”.
These are simple principles that are often overlooked and that instead I suggest you value in your family life because they will allow you to align with the emotional needs of your child and you will avoid unnecessary impositions and quarrels.
1️⃣ Living in a relaxed atmosphere helps
Moving calmly, smiling, showing yourself patient and available, avoiding arguments, looking for a game together and calmly tidying up the rest, helps the children to calm down.
More serene children, who perceive relaxation and safety around them, spontaneously have more desire to listen to you, to follow your instructions.
2️⃣ The quality of the time you spend with your child
If you dedicate the highest quality time to him (less than you think) your child will feel emotionally satisfied and you will not need to insist, reward, punish, because he will be the first to want to help you.
3️⃣ Shared good habits work and not the “you have to do this”
Children respect the rules that become good habits for the whole family that everyone shares and that are an integral part of the daily rhythms and way of being of mum and dad.
On the contrary, impositions made with harsh tones tend to create transgression, especially with children today.
4️⃣ Learn the art of being able to say NO
Do not be afraid to say no and to set limits, but avoid the stances made explicit with anger, the scoldings and the “glances of ice”.
Be firm but keep a sincere smile.
In fact, the no and the rules can be “transferred” even calmly and in a serene atmosphere (contrary to how we have often been used to in our childhood with blackmail, punishment, screams and threats).
On the other hand, educational methods based on threats and fear tend to make the situation worse if your child is oppositional and does not listen to you.
5️⃣ Your children live and learn by playing and in joy
Nothing can be learned or executed by them in military or authoritarian ways.
If you want me to “learn the rules”, you will have to put them into practice together by playing and having fun (especially in the first 5-6 years).
For example, you can tell and “live” the story of a superhero every time you brush your teeth, like Spider-man jumping from tooth to tooth shooting his web.
Or the room magically becomes a pirate ship to clean, complete with cannons, crew clothes and swords!
Children mainly understand the language of play , which is why as parents it is also necessary to become their animators.
You will have more fun, the quality of your relationship will increase, your child will collaborate and learn healthy habits such as washing, cleaning the rooms, taking care of their body… having fun.
And finally, here is a very counter-intuitive and vital reflection:
children want to cooperate and be in solidarity with mum and dad, while they resist when they feel that their loving nature and their emotions are not respected.
