Couple relationships are defined in childhood

I recently had the opportunity to give a brief workshop on family relationships and styles of education, and we spoke at some point about the importance of reaching agreements between parents to educate their children under the same guidelines. Some participants began to comment on some difficulties they have in reaching agreements and, together, we are looking for options to achieve that goal.

Then, one participant said to her whole lung and heart: “in my family we don’t have these problems! We are single mothers without a husband who gives us problems ”. The silence became total , as this woman explained that in her home there are 3 generations of mothers and none has ever married or maintained a formal relationship with a man.

Interesting, isn’t it? Three generations of women who have established a very particular standard of living. And that has a particular explanation as well.

Have you seen patterns repeat in families?

Have you ever seen patterns of failed relationships in people? And in your life?

Freud, Erikson, Piaget and many other psychologists, educators and researchers have been talking for a long time about how what we experience in childhood  affects  our adult life.

Freud said that all of our problems originated in childhood and the culprits were father and mother – mainly the latter – and that “childhood was destiny” ; while Erikson, while recognizing that childhood explains our situations, he also recognized that, by understanding the origin of our problems, we have the power to transform them and do the best we can with what we have.

Situations that could mark our lives

Lack of love and care

Love is the foundation of a childhood and a happy life. Whoever was not wanted, had distant parents, or simply was not loved and cared for as any child deserves, will have repercussions in their adult life, such as not being able to love, trust or feel happy.

In many cases, he will seek relationships where he finds the love his father or mother denied him, bringing with it couple problems, because love and the relationship are different than what is sought.

Learning how to give affection, being caring and giving to others what you didn’t have can be the beginning to receive love. Is it difficult to change? I can only say that it is much more difficult to live like this than to seek healing.

Also read: Having an absent mother forever hurts a child’s heart

Mistreatment or any type of violence

A child raised with violence, when he reaches adulthood, will try to repeat what he lived at home , will seek relationships with people who are equally violent or violated in order to feel “at home”, because he is used to it and for that he was “educated”, to beat or be mistreated , to insult or receive insults, to be treated and treat as you learned in childhood.

Lack of father or mother

A wife cannot take the place of the absent mother, nor can a husband take the place of an uninterested father. We cannot replace people or take the place of those who were unable or unwilling to do so.

Confusing these relationships will only bring more problems. That is why it is so important to  analyze how our relationships are and how they have been in order to become aware and make the necessary changes.

It tells the biography of Erick Erikson, a distinguished researcher of human development, that he began his studies and research seeking to heal his own relationship with his father who did not recognize him and abandoned him. Later, when his fiancee was pregnant, he thought about not marrying her and leaving her, because he feared he was not prepared to face the responsibility and that his family would accept it. Then he  realized that he was repeating the same thing that had been done to him. So he became brave, married, raised a family and, until his death, acknowledged that without his wife, who became his research partner, he would never have achieved anything.


This is a damage that impacts a child’s soul and mind very deeply, but which can be overcome with help. Currently, there are many supports and institutions to deal with in such a situation. Seeking help is critical.

Constant need for proximity to a person

Do you feel bad when you are not around someone who is special to you? Do you constantly need to know where your loved ones are? Can’t you control the fear of losing them? This can be a sign of an unmet child need.

Fear or insecurity about the future

If, when you think about the future, you see everything dark, without hope, and you suffer for it, you may have many fears that, since you were a child, were etched in your mind and that you need to take them out. The abandonment may be its origin.

Feeling of inferiority or not being equal to another person

Perhaps, in your childhood, you experienced too many disqualifications or cruel comparisons that today prevent you from recognizing your own value and potential, which prevented you from progressing in life and fulfilling all your dreams and goals. Perhaps these feelings have also prevented you from having a partner and starting a family. Have you ever felt this way many times?


This is another feeling that took root in his mental schema when he was little. Some people, without remembering, were accused and guilty when they were not even aware of having come to this world, either because of the father who abandoned them, because of the mother’s frustrations about what she left and was unable to because of the baby who arrived, because she was a girl , because it was not a boy and a thousand things more! And then the child learned to live as guilty and deserving of nothing – except contempt.

And so your adult life will continue if you do nothing to get rid of guilt imposed by another.

Accept abuse of any kind so as not to lose a relationship

This part is closely linked to the lack of love or acceptance by the parents . It is very common for an adult to be able to endure everything, even abuse, as long as it is not abandoned or left.

Everything is preferable to being alone and despised.

Constant anxiety

The simplest and easiest manifestation of problems not solved in the past, but which today can be turned in your favor.

Identify and accept them

If you identify one or some of these situations in your life, it’s time to end and start living for real. The first step is to accept, so the descent path begins.

Consult a mental health professional, a spiritual counselor or speak to your family; with your support, you will be able to recognize in your past what has happened, understand and process, then you will be able to heal and move forward with greater hope for your future and that of your family.


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