Should I express complaints and discontent with loved ones? Yes, it’s worth it. But how? This is where the most important thing lies.
If you are going to immediately express any of your discontent directly (and do it often), then this is a road to nowhere. More precisely, he goes to where love is no longer or it is, but is mired in a heap of claims.
To deal with the question is / is not worth it and how to express reproaches, first you need to sincerely answer yourself the question: do I want to continue the relationship with this person, do I love him? And if the answer is “no”, then there is nothing to think about, you can cut it in the heat and end all relationships.
If the answer is yes, then it’s worth considering: what do I want to achieve by expressing my discontent and contempt. Prove that I am right (right) about something at any cost, or improve relationships and understanding. If your goal is to maintain and improve the relationship, then you need to approach your complaints intelligently and deliberately.
But usually you want to express your discontent immediately at the moment of its occurrence and often (on emotions) in a rude and incorrect form. Therefore,
The first and main stage is “TIME-OUT”. It is important to learn, at the moment when you have dissatisfaction, not to shock everyone around you and especially those close to you. Find your method (and time frame) for deferring. For some, it will be enough to wait 10 minutes to calm down and further rationally approach the issue. Someone will need several hours, days, and with difficult questions and weeks.
There is no single recipe for calming yourself in moments of irritation. Try and use different techniques (deep breathing, contrasting relaxation, physical activity, creativity, mantras, math or logic problems, switching attention through conscious concentration …). If you can learn and apply this basic rule, you have already achieved 50% success!
Next is the 2nd stage. If you’ve calmed down (a little or completely) but still want to make a complaint, try a simple yet powerful method. Do not express a claim, but write it (do not let anyone read it yet). Then put aside what you have written. Work with your condition again (breathe, walk, exercise …) When you feel calmer, move on to the next step.
Stage 3 . Write separately what you want. What kind of relationship with the person (to whom you want to make a complaint) you are striving for. How do you imagine your further happy interaction. Write down in detail everything that you want to see, feel, hear in your relationship. Done? Go to step 4.
Step 4. Re-read the claims you wrote and what you want. And now try to connect it all. Read the claims as if someone had addressed them to you and along the way analyze whether this will help you achieve what you want. If you understand that it is not, correct it.
For example, “You just play your computer games and do not pay attention to me” can be paraphrased “I love you. And I really want to spend more time with you, I want you to hug me, kiss me more often, so that we go somewhere together. Let’s make ourselves a holiday on the weekend, go to the theater and restaurant. We will enjoy each other’s company. ”
Of course, there is a high probability that your ego will intervene and begin to demand retribution – like, I will not write that, he is a goat (or she is a goat) generally does not behave the way I want, says (does) the wrong thing. I’ll tell him everything, or even better, I’ll arrange a soooo thrashing! That will not seem a little. And here it is only your conscious choice that decides whether you will go with a stupid calf in the wake of your selfish-vengeful part of your personality or calm down, remind yourself once again of what you really want, and make your CONSCIOUS choice!
Living consciously can be difficult at first, but it’s so great! Try it! Do it! You will definitely succeed! Build strong and happy relationships! Love! Be loved and happy!
