The best thing you can do is set boundaries, try not to make things worse, and stand up for yourself when necessary. Just remember that your goal is to make the relationship work, not make it miserable.
Stop insults
It’s up to you to decide how much you’re willing to take criticism into account. But insults should be nipped in the bud, even if the “second mother” tries to turn them into a joke. Of course, you shouldn’t call her names in response: clearly and confidently say that you’re ready to forget it once, but the next time you shouldn’t be spoken to in that way.
Turn off emotions
First of all, it is important to realize that a “war” with your mother-in-law is often only possible on an emotional level. Her attempts to hurt you will probably not be very original: the newly-minted relative will criticize you, try to convince your son that you are unworthy of him, and compare you with others. You can resist this only as long as you keep a cool head. Allow yourself an emotional reaction – your partner’s toxic mother will use your attacks against you.
Don’t expect much
Due to the generation gap, the mother-in-law is usually an established person, whom you cannot change. Of course, you hoped for a harmonious, healthy relationship with the mother of your chosen one, but if your mother-in-law is against you, do not rush things and get rid of inflated expectations. The main thing is to minimize the negative impact on your marriage. Then there will be time to improve communication with your man’s family, no matter how difficult it may be. Be above the conflict, perceive aggression towards you with understanding, you are not the first in such a situation and not the last. It was not your personal qualities that caused the quarrel.
Give yourself time to recover
Difficult communication can be very exhausting and literally sucks out all your strength. Be sure to give yourself time to recover and try to contact your mother-in-law only in a good mood. This will make it easier to repel attacks with a smile without harming yourself and your relationship with your chosen one. Think of a pleasant compensation for yourself: for example, if you communicated with your mother-in-law without a quarrel, you deserve a massage or at least a face mask.
Turn weaknesses into strengths
Pretending that nothing is happening is not necessary. Be honest with yourself and those around you. After all, sooner or later the secret will become clear. There will definitely be a moment when fate will bring you together at the same table – most likely, a toxic mother-in-law will try to seem pleasant, but at the same time she can hurt you in front of other relatives. Do not play this game, do not hesitate to show embarrassment and confusion – the truth is on your side. In this case, it will be much more difficult to make you look like a shrew.
Justify your demands
Many of the mother-in-law’s undesirable actions may not have malicious intent. To be understood correctly, you need calm argumentation, not aggression. For example, a happy grandmother gives her grandchildren candy despite your prohibition. Instead of a conflicting reaction of “I know better what my children need,” it is better to explain why she is wrong. Perhaps the child already has high blood sugar, and you want to avoid serious health problems in the future. Or it is possible to give sweets, but only certain ones. In general, an adequate grandmother will not harm the child. Move away from expressing opinions to a neutral presentation of facts, try not to focus on “modern” approaches: no one wants to feel old and irrelevant.
Do good
Making someone you hate happy is not an easy task, but there must be a desire! Find out what your “second mother” lives for: maybe she never misses a single concert of her favorite orchestra or grows herbs on the windowsill? Try to do something nice – for example, a small gift that will definitely be to her taste. And if several attempts fail, there will be a reason for a conversation. Then openly admit that you would like to establish contact with the mother of your loved one and you are sorry that you do not understand each other well yet. Perhaps your mother-in-law dislikes you for a specific reason and disagreements can be easily resolved in a heart-to-heart talk.
Ask your partner to intervene
Your partner probably knows his mother better than you do. Ask him for advice on how to improve the relationship (and do not overuse complaints and criticism). If the situation has escalated to the limit and every contact with your mother-in-law ends in tears and a scandal, directly ask him to intervene and protect you from unacceptable behavior. If you have done everything possible and the situation has not normalized, it is obvious that the problem is not in you.