Sometimes we don’t give words the proper importance, while seemingly “harmless” phrases test the patience of our partner and destroy the relationship.
Try not to use the following expressions when talking to your loved one.
“Calm down”.
There are many ways to defuse the situation – and asking them to calm down is definitely not one of them. No matter how unfair the initial reason for your partner’s emotions may seem to you, forbidding them to express them will only lead to conflict. In general, the advice to “calm down” is one that no one follows – usually the result is the opposite. Accept your partner’s emotions and try to listen – you will probably switch places one day and would not like to hear the suggestion to shut up.
“It is a bad idea”.
Ultimately, each of us decides what is best for us personally, even if the motivation is not always transparent to others. Not only is giving unsolicited advice a thankless task, it is even worse when the assessment is expressed without delving into the essence of the problem. The partner begins to feel that you do not understand him at all, and also deprive him of the right to his own opinion. It is worth offering ideas in the format of a discussion, without categorical statements.
“If you loved me…”
The destructive effect of ultimatums lies primarily in the fact that most of them are obvious manipulation, and we are not going to implement what we threaten. It will never be possible to achieve mutual understanding this way. In addition, by using feelings as a weapon, you are personally undermining the foundation of any relationship – trust. If you really believe that your partner does not love you, then this is a reason for a separate conversation, and not reproach for the sake of achieving your goals.
“My ex would never do that.”
It’s natural to compare your current partner to your ex when you’re feeling disappointed, but there’s one caveat: you can only do this in your thoughts. Chances are, when the heat of passion subsides, you’ll remember the reasons you ended your previous relationship and are building your current one. Open comparison is essentially a painful insult, because you’re directly stating that your man is worse than the person you broke up with.
“You always/You never…”
Do you know what will happen right after this phrase in most cases? The partner will remember a couple of exceptional cases, which will lead to a pointless debate. It is much better to use the word “sometimes”, even if it is an unpleasant conversation. For example, “sometimes you forget what we agreed on” – the conversation will be much more constructive. After all, the goal is to discuss how to improve your life together, and not just voice the shortcomings.
“Nobody is holding you back.”
Psychologists strongly discourage threats of separation, so if you really do not intend to end the relationship, you should never use this tactic. Such statements undermine the feeling of stability and suggest to your partner that you do not value them. Moreover, you should not constantly use this phrase without attaching any meaning to it – it means what it means: “I do not need you, I can do without you.”