Try not to fall into these thinking traps, as they can create insurmountable barriers between you and your partner.
How healthy and long-lasting a romantic relationship will be depends largely on the ideas that both partners initially have about it. If we are talking about realistic expectations, then disappointment and dissatisfaction are unlikely to arise, and if you dream of something ethereal and unearthly, then the result will most likely be appropriate.
It is worth keeping in mind that psychological attitudes that are harmful to relationships often do not look like this at all, moreover, they may even seem quite correct. For example, who does not want to make their partner happy or feel in love all the time? But upon closer examination, it turns out that there is no benefit from such desires.
Here are five of the most common subconscious beliefs, or thinking traps, that ruin relationships.
1. I HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO MAKE MY PARTNER HAPPY.
It’s hard to argue with the fact that your actions affect how your partner feels, just as their actions can lift or ruin your mood. It’s easy to conclude that your partner’s happiness is in your hands. And if they’re upset for some reason, your job is to quickly return them to a sense of joy.
But admit that you are not able to be responsible for the emotions of another person, even if they are very close to you. You can try your best to show empathy , sympathy, support, but no matter how hard you try, they may not become happier.
At the same time, the belief that you are responsible for his happiness weighs heavily on you, and when you feel that all your efforts are in vain, you are inevitably overcome with resentment and disappointment. In this situation, you may even begin to do things that only irritate your partner, rather than lift his mood, for example, endlessly asking how he feels.
A more helpful attitude for relationships is: “I love my partner, but I am not responsible for his emotions.”
2. MY PARTNER SHOULD RAISE MY SELF-ESTEEM
Just as you may believe that you are responsible for your partner’s mood, you may also believe that he or she is responsible for your self-esteem . This mindset may start working early in a relationship, because every time your loved one looks at you with an admiring gaze, your self-esteem soars.
However, over time, this magical mechanism inevitably ends its work, and you are no longer covered with self-love from the mere fact of his attention to you. Rather, the opposite is true, your self-esteem level goes down every time he turns away instead of having sex with you, or in some other way does not satisfy your needs.
Therefore, it is important to realize that you are the only one responsible for how you feel, how you treat yourself, how you evaluate yourself. If you do not love and value yourself from the very beginning, your partner will not be able to do anything about it.
3. WE MUST BE IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER ALL THE TIME.
For some reason, it is often accepted that the feeling of being in love between partners is a kind of litmus test by which one can judge the quality of a relationship. The thought arises: if in the presence of your loved one you no longer come into ecstasy and do not faint, if he does not show signs of attention every second, then love has probably ended.
But all these passions inevitably dissipate and fade over time, even in very strong, stable relationships. Love is not about “butterflies in the stomach,” but about caring and responsibility for another person — even when the initial romance evaporates . Therefore, it is better to understand at the start that feelings undergo changes throughout the relationship. This is normal.
4. THERE SHOULD BE ONLY LIGHTNESS AND CARELESSNESS IN OUR RELATIONSHIP
If you want to not just have a fun vacation, but build a strong, long-term relationship, you need to realize while you are still “on the beach” that this will require a lot of work, effort, time and other resources. For example, you will probably have to learn to control your negative emotions, find compromises , give in if necessary… In short, you can’t expect constant ease and carelessness.
5. WE CANNOT ALLOW OUR RELATIONSHIP TO CHANGE
This subconscious belief underlies many of the other attitudes discussed above. Of course, it is understandable that no one wants the magic of a relationship to go away. However, we must admit that both people and relationships inevitably change over time.
The first phase of a relationship can be compared to a baby, who is, of course, beautiful, but is only at the beginning of his development. All living things need to grow and change, no matter how painful it may be, it is inevitable. The same applies to relationships. That’s life!