Many people have a negative perception of personal boundaries. They believe they are restrictive and shouldn’t exist. In reality, personal boundaries help us maintain healthy relationships and contribute to our well-being.
Without boundaries, relationships are unlikely to thrive and be fulfilling, so they give way to disappointment, resentment, and frustration. Being able to set different types of personal boundaries is essential for protecting our personal space and building our identity, which will protect our mental health in the long run.
In fact, a study conducted at the University of South Australia revealed that healthcare professionals activate emotional boundaries in daily life, often without being fully aware of it, to protect themselves from psychological pain.
The problem, therefore, is not borders, but inadequate borders. Boundaries are neither positive nor negative per se. It all depends on how we apply them.
A person who does not set boundaries in their interpersonal relationships may seem very open and receptive, but they also expose themselves to being continually hurt or exploited by others. On the other hand, a person with extremely strict boundaries will close off relationships and may lack a social support network to support them through the most difficult times. The key, like everything in life, is balance.
What are personal boundaries?
Personal boundaries are our rules that we establish in relationships. They are a sort of imaginary line or shield that separates us or protects us from others when they try to undermine our sanity , knowingly or unintentionally.
These rules are meant to signal our red lines, the things we are unwilling to allow or feel uncomfortable with. There are many examples of healthy personal boundaries: not allowing humiliation, deciding what to do with our free time, staying true to our values, or standing up for our privacy.
The 3 types of personal boundaries
- Hard boundaries
This type of boundaries is characterized by inflexible rules that the person strictly enforces, regardless of the context or the rights and needs of others. These people think that their values, ways of thinking or needs are the only ones possible and leave no room for others, closing themselves off to change.
Indeed, those with rigid boundaries avoid intimacy with others and maintain emotionally distant relationships. He sets up an emotional barrier that is difficult to overcome, which is why he tends to have few friends. These people are unlikely to ask for help when they have a problem because they prefer to keep it to themselves.
They are people who defend their privacy very much, to the point that they can come to seem cold and detached, even with their partners. In fact, these hard boundaries are often the result of a defensive attitude as these people prefer to keep others at arm’s length to avoid possible rejection. Boundaries are the emotional walls behind which they protect themselves.
- Porous boundaries
The person with porous boundaries has virtually no emotional boundaries or is extremely lax. She doesn’t keep anything to herself, she has no difficulty in telling her most intimate problems, even to strangers, so she often ends up pointlessly exposing herself.
She also tends to get too involved in other people’s problems, to the point of developing a deep empathy syndrome . This near-absence of boundaries also makes her more vulnerable to emotional manipulation, which is why she is usually someone subject to abuse or disrespect. You also often feel responsible for other people’s problems or guilty about other people’s feelings.
Indeed, he has difficulty saying “no” to the excessive demands of others, so he ends up overloading himself with tasks and obligations that do not correspond to him. Underlying porous boundaries is a high emotional reactivity and a deep dependence on the opinion of others. Fearing social rejection, these people prefer to submit and continuously loosen their boundaries by allowing others to impose their needs, desires or points of view.
- Healthy boundaries
People with healthy personal boundaries tend to be level-headed. They are clear about their values and know in which cases they are not willing to compromise, but they are also able to adapt to circumstances and expand their boundaries if necessary. They are aware of their needs and wants and are able to communicate them assertively. It means they know how to say “no” when requests are excessive, without feeling guilty. And take “no” for an answer.
This type of personal limit allows us to distinguish our emotions, thoughts and values from others and helps us take responsibility for them, but at the same time prevents us from assuming the faults of others who do not correspond to us.
People with healthy boundaries establish balanced relationships in which they share personal information appropriately. They don’t give in emotionally to the first change, but they also don’t build walls as the relationship progresses. Healthy boundaries come from strong self-esteem and great confidence in personal abilities and values. This self-confidence is what also allows you to recognize mistakes and loosen boundaries or expand them when necessary.
In an ideal world, we should apply those healthy boundaries to all spheres of life. However, we find it easier to apply different types of personal boundaries. For example, we can have rigid boundaries at work, where we don’t let anything pass, but we apply too porous boundaries in the family or in the relationship with the partner to the point of falling into emotional dependence . Therefore, it is always valid to rethink our personal boundaries.
How to establish healthy and assertive personal boundaries?
You need to set boundaries in yourself or in relationships with others. A study conducted at the University of Innsbruck, for example, found that when work-related stress crosses our psychological boundaries, our family pays the bill.
Instead, healthy boundaries have a protective effect. They keep us from giving unwanted advice and meddling in other people’s lives, as well as keeping others from meddling too much in ours. They also help us not to blame or scapegoat others .
A sine qua non for establishing healthy boundaries is to be aware of our feelings, values, and responsibilities toward ourselves and others. If we are not clear about who we are and what we want, we will not be able to establish healthy boundaries.
The other condition for these boundaries to be effective is knowing how to communicate them. To do this, we must focus on ourselves. We need to understand that personal boundaries are for protecting ourselves, not for controlling others.
So, instead of telling a person : “stop meddling in my life” you can say: “it’s a personal matter, I will decide”. With the first sentence, the person may feel attacked or even hurt if they try to help you in good faith. By the second sentence you are politely refusing her help while establishing a personal boundary.
If we try to set boundaries out of anger or because we’ve been scolded, they won’t listen to us. Borders are not meant to punish, but to protect our well-being. Therefore, they are most effective when we show a firm but assertive and calm attitude.
The third important detail that we must keep in mind is that many times we cannot establish any kind of personal boundary without defining the consequences. In other words, when setting boundaries, we need to make clear to each other why they are important to us and how far we are willing to go to defend them. This way the other person can make an informed decision.
In short, the key to setting healthy boundaries is understanding what we want and being clear with others, always within a framework of respect and assertiveness. Setting boundaries is not selfish. Every time you say “no” to something that hurts you, you are saying “yes” to yourself.