Telling your romantic partner that you’re breaking up can be a tricky business. You want to be firm and empathetic, open and direct, but not cruel.
This situation is especially difficult for people who are used to avoiding conflicts.
Instead of honestly saying that they simply decided to end the relationship, such people try in every possible way to “cover the ground” and give reasons for the breakup that would not upset the partner too much.
Although done with the best of intentions, this strategy only makes the situation worse and causes more pain and suffering to the partner.
Here are three phrases that psychologists say you should avoid when you decide to break up with your partner:
Avoid cliched excuses that are meant to hide the truth. All that talk about “not the right time,” “lack of resources,” and so on and so forth not only makes no sense, but it also gives the recipient false hope that you will want to be with them in the future, when that “time” somehow becomes “right.” You leave a “door ajar” in your partner’s mind, because the meta-message you are communicating is, “If and when my circumstances change, our relationship has a future,” which it doesn’t.
2. “I hope we remain friends”
Breakups involve resetting personal boundaries, and hoping that a romantic relationship will smoothly transition into friendship is unrealistic, to say the least. Such promises can make the breakup even more painful, especially if the person you’re dumping secretly hopes that you’ll change your mind.
3. “You deserve better”
During the breakup process, you need to try to convey information to your partner that will help them understand your actions. Telling them that they deserve better does not bring any clarity to the process. In addition, such a phrase sounds very false and arrogant – it seems like you are trying to shift the responsibility for the breakup from yourself to them.