Get ready to tie the knot by asking your partner these essential questions before marriage to ensure a strong and lasting relationship.
Someone else’s soul is a dark place, but before you enter into a marriage union, it is better to bring a little clarity. Otherwise, you risk finding yourself next to a person you would not have wanted to marry if you had known him earlier. Psychologists have compiled a list of questions that will help you get to know each other and decide whether it is worth saying the cherished “yes” at the altar.
Why it’s important to discuss difficult issues
Psychologist Emily Jamea explains that asking important questions in time will help avoid conflicts and misunderstandings in the future. The answers will help you understand what to expect from marriage, at least approximately. The expert even advises discussing controversial issues before proposing, when you realize that the relationship has become serious. After the engagement, your thoughts may be occupied with excitement and preparation.
According to sociology professor Terri Orbuch, you and your partner probably won’t agree on everything. But that’s okay — the answers are there to figure out not only how similar you are, but also how you’ll handle differences in opinion.
If the differences in issues are too painful and conflict with your values, know that you have the right to take a break from the relationship . According to family psychologist Hattie Lee, it is better to rethink your relationship several times than to rush, follow through, and then find yourself in an unhappy marriage.
What questions should you ask?
Views on marriage and living together
What does marriage mean to you?
Marriage means different things to different people. Some people think of it as a natural step in a relationship, while others see it as a legal agreement or a reason to move in together. Talking about your views will help ensure that your couple doesn’t have expectations that won’t be met. Once you’re sure that your desires are aligned, you’ll feel more confident about your family life together.
How do you imagine our marriage?
One dreams that in marriage the partners will be together 24/7, go on weekly dates and travel regularly. And in the imagination of another, a ring on the finger changes little, and personal space remains the same as before. It is better to discuss in advance how married life looks in your fantasies, so that immediately after the wedding no one’s rose-colored glasses are broken.
How important is religion to you?
If you and your partner are of different faiths (or one of you is an atheist), it is important to discuss which religion each of you will follow. What religious holidays will you celebrate together? What traditions or activities will become part of your shared lifestyle? And if you have children, how will you resolve the issue of faith? All of this is extremely important to discuss because for some people, faith is one of the uncompromising values. If partners have very different views, a lot of conflict can arise.
How often will we see your family when we get married?
Most likely, you already know your future relatives. Before marriage, it is better to discuss how often you will see them, how actively they will participate in your life and in raising children, if there are any. Will you go on vacation together? And if you have a conflict with your partner’s parent, what will he do? On what holidays will you visit your relatives and how will you divide visits for different sides of the family? It is better to make a plan and discuss opinions in advance, so as not to quarrel with your partner right in the process of making Olivier salad with his mother.
Where will we live?
If you and your future spouse aren’t living together yet, it’s a good idea to discuss whether you’re planning to move in together, and if so, where. Orbuch also suggests asking whether your partner would be willing to move if offered a better job elsewhere. Would you be willing to move if your partner wanted to?
What is fundamentally important to you?
Discuss the values and views that are fundamentally important to you and on which you cannot compromise. For example, views on roles in marriage. If your boyfriend would like his wife to be a housewife, and you have dreamed of building a career all your life, it is unlikely that the marriage will be a happy one for both of you. Knowledge of unshakable principles will help you and your partner imagine what kind of future awaits you and understand how satisfied you are with it.
Children
Do you want kids?
While your answers and priorities may change over the years, it’s still important to discuss parenthood before marriage. According to Emily Jamea, if one person says, “I 100 percent want kids,” and the other says, “I 100 percent don’t,” marriage is probably not a viable option.
In addition to the desire itself, it is important to discuss the details. How many children do you want? And when do you want them – right after marriage or in ten years? If you have not yet decided whether you want a child, it is also better to say this honestly. It is important that both weigh the pros and cons.
What happens if one of us is infertile?
Beyond wanting to have children, it’s important to discuss the challenges that might arise, says clinical psychologist Mary Manley. What will you do if fertility issues arise? How do you feel about IVF , surrogacy, or adoption? Answering these questions up front will help ensure that you’ll work through problems as a team.
How will we distribute parental responsibilities?
Will one of the partners take maternity leave in the first years of the child’s life? Will you alternate responsibilities or will each have a strictly assigned role? How much time will each parent spend with the baby? Of course, over time, your views on parenting may change. But if neither of you wants to take maternity leave, it’s worth considering how you will cope with the children and whether compromises are acceptable to you.
How are we going to raise children?
Next step: discuss parenting. If you have children, how would you like to raise them? Do you have “gender” expectations? What values do you want to instill? What would you like to take as an example from your childhood, and what element of parenting would you definitely not want to repeat? This way, you and your partner will get to know each other’s deeper ideas about parenting.
Finance
What is the state of your finances now?
Money issues can be awkward, but it’s important to discuss them before marriage so that misunderstandings don’t become a reason for arguments. Ask if your partner has savings or debts. It’s also important to find out how your partner feels about financial independence and whether he or she will contribute if you have difficulties, according to divorce attorney Frederick Hertz.
Will we have a common or separate budget?
This question is also necessary so that no one faces unreasonable expectations after the wedding. If the account is joint, discuss how exactly you will spend the money. For example, how much to put aside each month? How often to spend money on vacations and travel? What exactly will part of the money be spent on regularly? If the budget is separate, decide who will pay for what. Which expenses are joint and which are separate? Will you pay rent equally or will the partner who earns more take on this responsibility?
What is the maximum amount you are willing to spend on a car, a sofa, shoes?
Make sure you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to spending money. If one of you is willing to spend a ton of money on sneakers and the other one thinks it’s a waste of money, that could be a source of conflict.
Romance and sex
How will we resolve conflicts?
Is one of you so stubborn that you can’t compromise? Or so afraid of disagreements that you’ll never admit what’s upsetting you? These behavior patterns can become problems in a relationship, so it’s best to discuss how you’ll resolve conflicts constructively in advance.
How will we pay attention to romantic relationships?
It’s normal for romance to fade in a marriage. However, sometimes it can lead to dissatisfaction with the relationship. Psychologist Mary Manley suggests discussing your personal needs for romance before marriage. For example, one person may want to go on regular dates to keep the spark alive and avoid getting bogged down in the mundane. Another may find romance in spending an evening at home cuddling together. Honest answers will help when you’re past the honeymoon stage.
What do you mean by cheating?
If you and your partner haven’t discussed it yet, now is the time to ask about loyalty. Often, people think of cheating as having sex with another person. But how do you and your partner feel about kissing? How about flirting or playful texting? Is it okay to watch pornography? Discuss all the things that upset you to avoid misunderstandings in the future.
How can I help you when you are upset?
It’s important to learn to help each other when one of you gets into trouble. Some people need a hug and a listening ear. Others need space and time alone. So it’s best to discuss in advance how each of you would like to receive support from your partner.
How important is sex to you?
Over time, there may be less sex in a relationship. This is okay if neither partner suffers. But if at least one of the partners begins to feel unloved and unwanted, problems may arise. Therefore, it is important to discuss in advance how often and what kind of sex you want to have. And what you will do if problems suddenly arise. How will you discuss them? Are you ready to turn to a specialist? Do you want to consider other formats of relationships ?
How to discuss all these issues with your partner?
Of course, you don’t want your partner to feel like they’re being interrogated by a police officer. Orbuch suggests asking questions during natural moments when you’re alone. For example, watch a movie or sitcom episode in which a couple is arguing about parenting. You can use that as a jumping-off point to discuss how you’d like to raise your children.
There may be no right time to ask some questions, so the conversation may be awkward. Remember that honest and open conversations are important for intimacy and your future. And it’s better to find out now that your partner sees life together differently than after several years of an unhappy marriage