Because beautiful people don’t need to prove their worth, beautiful people are ideal partners at first impact, at first sight. But how can we ugly people achieve the purpose of our life – which is to mate with multiple partners – if our lord Odin has given us a face similar to a trisomic chicken? We must try to compensate for our hideous appearance with gray matter. But if you are not already intelligent, becoming intelligent is a stupid thing – because it requires effort – and making an effort is stupid, therefore the opposite of intelligent. Not making an effort is instead an intelligent thing, but it is intelligent in itself, not for others. In short: for us repulsive idiots, the solution is to pretend to be intelligent. In this world full of indie girls, it is the best strategy to score without effort. Here are some rules that can help you on this mission.
Rule #1: Avoid conversations
Arguing with someone for more than ten seconds could reveal that you are a complete idiot. Avoid this situation at all costs: stay silent and assume snobbish looks while others are talking. Snort, roll your eyes, raise your eyebrows in shock: you will be seen as an asshole but not as stupid.
Rule #2: Respond with catchy phrases
When someone asks you for an opinion on something, gloss over it by using pyrotechnic answers. This will allow you to gloss over a topic you are unfamiliar with and at the same time make your interlocutor feel inferior. Examples:
1- Q: “What is the latest novel you are reading?” A: “I don’t read novels, I only read essays.”
2- Q:”Have you heard the latest Foo Fighters song?” A:”I only listen to music composed before 1875.”
3- Q: “Which team do you support?” A: “Volyn Lutsk! Football is played only in the Ukrainian championship.”
Rule #3: Use obsolete big words
Memorizing a dozen or so complicated terms is enough to appear cultured and refined.
Paroxysm
Deconstruct
Experience
Ontological
Parity
Equanimity
Honesty
Asset
Finite
Valetudinary
Psychostasis
“Experiencing your grace resolves the ontological split between the finite and the infinite of your loins” and “You have an ass to fuck” have more or less the same meaning. The first sentence, however, is much more effective.
Rule #4: Cite in the original language
Memorizing two or three quotes in the original language is one of those things that makes the difference between a beginner and an expert simulator. French and German are good options, but Greek and Latin are the apotheosis. Berlusconi has won more than one election with this method.
Rule #5: Abusing libraries
Another very effective method is to always meet people outside some bookstore.
-“Yes ok, I’ll meet you at the bookstore because I have to see if a novel has arrived.”
-“Sorry if I speak in a whisper but I’m in the bookstore.”
-“I’m late because Raffaello – the guy from the bookstore – asked me if I could give him some advice on books to order.”
Rule #6: Criticize without restraint
Wicked criticism is used by many to channel the anger and frustration that a life as a buffoon can cause. This technique is also useful to avoid going into a subject in depth. To appear intelligent, it will be enough to associate the noun “shit” with every novel, painting, film or intellectual work on which an opinion is asked.
Rule #7: Take Care of Social Media
Putting a painter’s portrait as your profile picture, using a library overview as your cover image, signing up with a pseudonym from a realist novel. These things will make you look like an idiot. The secret is to adopt symbolism: the cause of all the evils in the world. So to embellish your social media use only green backgrounds, or photographs of cracks on the walls. You will seem mysterious and full of content to discover.
Rule #8: Fake a bad feeling about living
It is known that in common thinking intelligence is associated with depression, but for you it is enough to be able to shit in the morning to be happy. Therefore you must try at all costs to appear sad and tormented; you must assume discouraged looks and curse your brain in front of others. Examples:
– “Damn, feel this anxiety, sometimes I hate my brain.”
– “I would like to be stupid for at least five minutes a day to feel a little better.”
– “Sometimes it’s hard to be me.”
These should be fine. Just think that there are also those who say these sentences and truly believe them.
Rule #9: Tweet
Twitter is considered the intellectual salon of the web, despite being an abyss of ignorance. Create an account and express something intelligent in 140 characters. It seems to be made for this.
Rule #10: Surround yourself with useless idiots
This is actually the easiest thing of all. Because fortunately it doesn’t take much to appear intelligent compared to the average. You just have to pay attention and stay away from the few beings with gray matter, who would publicly annihilate you in two minutes.
But enough chit chat, it’s time to go to an Arcade Fire concert and look for a fuck.