Discover the 10 phrases to avoid when talking to your children during a divorce. Protect their emotional well-being and support them through this challenging time.In the heat of anger and resentment, you risk saying things you’ll regret. Remember, divorce can be a much more stressful situation for a child than it is for you. Pay attention to the following 10 phrases: these are not to say to children when you are in the process of divorce.
Phrases You Should Never Say to Your Children During a Divorce.
Your father is a bad person.
Any criticism of the other parent can harm the child’s psyche. The child may perceive your statements personally. Even if your complaints about your ex-spouse are justified, try to refrain from making them in the presence of children, it is already difficult for them to accept the situation. Do not support negativity towards the other parent. Behave as you would if you were a couple. For example, it is better to say that “dad is late, but he is trying to arrive early” than “dad is late – apparently, he has more important things to do.”
Your dad left us without money
Make sure you don’t say anything about your ex that could trigger what’s called a loyalty conflict: a situation where a child is forced to choose between mom’s or dad’s side. In the process of overcoming internal conflicts, a child may face feelings of inferiority. Research confirms that the best option for children is to have a secure attachment to both parents. A child should not adapt to one of them and become an instrument of revenge.
Mom and Dad still love each other
It’s great if you were able to stay on good terms with your ex, but abstract phrases about love can be confusing to the younger generation. It can be difficult for a child to understand that there are different types of love, but such statements often lead to baseless fantasies that the parents can still be together. Most likely, the child will ask directly: “If you love each other, why can’t we all live together?” Talk about love for the child, not for his father.
You don’t want to live with me?
This is not a question that should be asked rhetorically, casually. If there is a real possibility of choice, make it clear that you respect any decision and it will not harm the relationship, will not affect your love. But if there is essentially no choice, such a question may sound like a threat. And being unnecessary is one of the main fears of a child when the mother and father begin a new life outside of a single family.
I miss you so much, call me more often
Don’t make your children feel guilty for spending time with their father. Adjusting to the new conditions of separate communication can be difficult for everyone involved, so adding more chaos is a bad idea. If your child, for example, goes to their father’s for the weekend, don’t call him “just to hear his voice” and demand a regular report. When he returns, don’t overdo it with questions: it’s unlikely that your child will want to say that he had a great time if you have an extremely negative attitude towards your ex-partner. Such questions put children in an awkward position.
Don’t tell your father that…
Don’t force your child to take responsibility for your actions and decisions. You are an adult who can handle the relationship better than a child. Don’t use children as confidants when they are not emotionally ready or mature enough to handle it. Plus, if a child spills the beans, they may have a hard time coping with their own “betrayal” by one of their parents. Forced lying is no better.
You will have your own room!
Psychologists do not recommend presenting divorce as something positive. Of course, if there were a lot of conflicts in the family, the child may feel some relief. But the ostentatious positivity is clearly dissonant with the sad feelings that children experience during their parents’ divorce. Trying to hide your own feelings is equivalent to building a wall. In difficult times, show that you are on the same page: try to explain that you are sad, but you will cope with everything together, together.
Don’t worry, everything will remain the same.
Having one parent out of the house and having to deal with them on “neutral” ground is a significant change in itself and should not be ignored. While you may want to reassure your child of stability, it’s best to be honest. Often, a shared home has to be sold to settle financial issues between former spouses, which means that everything in a child’s life can change. It’s okay to let your children know that you’ll share the details with them when you know them yourself.
Has dad found himself a new woman yet?
No matter how curious you are, don’t ask your child to be a source of information, even under the guise of casual conversation. Children understand perfectly well that by answering questions about each other from their feuding mom and dad, they are doing something reprehensible. They have to either choose one side or lie. After all, think about what kind of example you are setting for your child by making him spy on his own father.
Tell your dad that…
Even if you are asking for neutral information, it is wrong to use children as intermediaries because of communication problems. Especially do not touch on the financial topic: “Tell daddy to give you more money” is an absurd request that the child will most likely not dare to voice. In some cases, on the contrary, children may begin to use their monopoly on the transmission of messages and distort the information for their own purposes, for example, to get more money or entertainment.